I finally made it to day 100 after my Bone Marrow Transplant! According to my doctor, my body is supposingly now on the fast track now to recovery and all blood figures will be on the up trend. But am I really improving that much? I'm having major doubts cause I'm still struggling to stay on top of things and only I know it best.
Am I having a mid life crisis to say such things or am I just afraid of handling the truth? I'm not sure, no one knows it better except for myself I suppose. I have no problem falling asleep but I will wake up at around 5-6am every morning for no reason and fall back to sleep before being waken up by my wifey at 7.15am. Is that quality sleep, I'm not sure but once I reach the train station after dropping off my wifey and kid, I felt so alone and sometimes panicky, flushness of my face and cold sweats do occurs even light headedness. My insecurity, again I'm not sure, tried chatting on FB or chanting or looking at the people around me to take my mind off, well occasionally it does help. That is why going to work for me is a struggle and challenge and making it to work eventually is a blessing and greatful too.
Sometimes I felt so alone, it seems as days go by, people around me has forgotten about my problems and situations even my family members, daily I'm still finding an equilibriums of things, trying to pay the bills on time, etc, etc. Is it that they really thought that I have recovered fully or they felt that it's better not to talk about it. Many friends had claimed to be concerned but after awhile they are disappeared, worst are those that didn't even bother to call when heard about it. I had thought of crossing these people off from my list but what's the point? Life is too short to do such silly stuff lor. Am I asking too much from others in the first place?
So what's really in store for me in the future? Will I still enjoy a fruitful life for whatever that is still left? Many questions, many answers needed but will I ever get my questions answered in this lifetime, no one knows. So as the saying goes "Life still goes on". To me everyday I'm alive is a day earned and cherish. So to all out there - Seize The Day!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Gloomy after the Sunshine
Had half a day of break from work yesterday afternoon and met up with wifey's relatives and friends to update them about my condition. It was a good lunch. Went to shop at Tampines Mall to kinda update my wardrobe since I have started working since last week. In the process rewarded my wifey with a new pair of shoes, not too expensive but believe she deserve a little gift after those tiring days of taking care of me during my treatment. In the evening, organised a kopi session with the bros from the Toyota Club and catch up with some bros on their latest happenings.
The first half of today seems to have many things that are unplanned or kinda surprising. An old pal from a part time job look me up for lunch and on the way to lunch bump into quite a few ex comrades or colleagues which I was quite repulsive to meet before but guess it wasn't as bad as it seems. Was I being too sensitive or have they moved on and made peace with it? Perhaps all this time, I was the only one that didn't let it go and move on eventhough I thought I did. I cared too much about what others think and will say. It was so nice to be able to catch up with them in person although a couple of them I was quite suspicious if they are genuine or not from their body language. Was I thinking too much?
My current job as a Marcom Manager in a non-profit / charity organisation serves as a new start for me to be reconnected back to the working world while at the same time helping others. Am I being heal in the process, I'm not sure but I do know its not just about me though. I'm doing the best that I can, not struggling at all. I'm sure I will find my calling in due time.
This week is PC Show 2011, last year this time, me and my team were all excited and pumped up for another record breaking sales week. It had always beern a personal challenge for the team to break our own sales records, event after event - that's our main driving, not forgetting the team spirit is always high and we had so much fun being there. It was tiring and stressful nonethelss, will I miss it this year like the other events, probably not, haha but what I will missed badly are the atmosphere and the team.
So for all the hardworking folks out there - Kambatae!!!
The first half of today seems to have many things that are unplanned or kinda surprising. An old pal from a part time job look me up for lunch and on the way to lunch bump into quite a few ex comrades or colleagues which I was quite repulsive to meet before but guess it wasn't as bad as it seems. Was I being too sensitive or have they moved on and made peace with it? Perhaps all this time, I was the only one that didn't let it go and move on eventhough I thought I did. I cared too much about what others think and will say. It was so nice to be able to catch up with them in person although a couple of them I was quite suspicious if they are genuine or not from their body language. Was I thinking too much?
My current job as a Marcom Manager in a non-profit / charity organisation serves as a new start for me to be reconnected back to the working world while at the same time helping others. Am I being heal in the process, I'm not sure but I do know its not just about me though. I'm doing the best that I can, not struggling at all. I'm sure I will find my calling in due time.
This week is PC Show 2011, last year this time, me and my team were all excited and pumped up for another record breaking sales week. It had always beern a personal challenge for the team to break our own sales records, event after event - that's our main driving, not forgetting the team spirit is always high and we had so much fun being there. It was tiring and stressful nonethelss, will I miss it this year like the other events, probably not, haha but what I will missed badly are the atmosphere and the team.
So for all the hardworking folks out there - Kambatae!!!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day 87 and the Fiesty Princess - Charmaine
Counting down to 100days before reaching the safety zone. Yesterday went back to SGH Haematology Centre to pick up my expensive meds (20 Tabs for $800+) and that only lasts me for a week. While the pharmacy was still not opened, I made myself at home as usual, chatting with the nurses and some of the regular patients at the clinic. Thru one of them I learnt about a 4 year old cancer patient by the name of Charmaine (look for the fiesty princess in Google), her father divorced the mum when she got sick and now the mum supports her and the older brother on her own. Her only cure is in the US and will cost about S$250,000. So family and friends put up a website to raise funds for their daily expenses and also her treatment.
Seriously I really don't understand how is it not possible for medical expenses to be more affordable or at least humane. Why too are kids being made to suffer like this, needless to say why a good person that has done no evil in his lifetime? I too have a 5 year old boy and when I read that it really pains me.
Last month, I had to bring my kid to the polyclinic to get two lumps on his foot checked out though he is not in pain, we wanted to be sure. However the wait to even get registered was fustrating. And all the doc did was a quick examine and write a referral letter for KKH, it all took less than 15mins but the earlier waiting time took about 2 hrs. No wonder many old folks including my dad complains about going to the polyclinic. By the way, he and his kaki goes to the polyclinic as early as 6.30am to Q up for his regular diabetic checkups in order to get home before lunch. Is this what retirement life suppose to be? Come to think of it my weekly follow up at SGH also takes about half a day but that is because of the numerous blood tests that I have to go thru and the doctor needs to go for her rounds at the wards in the morning.
I'm not trying to sound more sympathetic towards the hospital docs versus the polyclinic's but after being hospitalised in the ward for about 2 months, I'm more aware of their daily life. But there are bad apples too which I did gave them a piece of my mind, sadly despite being weak and sick then.
Nonetheless are doctors nowadays going too much for a quick fix or are they losing their bedside manners? Perhaps you guys can share with me. So stay healthy and active always. Cheers.
Seriously I really don't understand how is it not possible for medical expenses to be more affordable or at least humane. Why too are kids being made to suffer like this, needless to say why a good person that has done no evil in his lifetime? I too have a 5 year old boy and when I read that it really pains me.
Last month, I had to bring my kid to the polyclinic to get two lumps on his foot checked out though he is not in pain, we wanted to be sure. However the wait to even get registered was fustrating. And all the doc did was a quick examine and write a referral letter for KKH, it all took less than 15mins but the earlier waiting time took about 2 hrs. No wonder many old folks including my dad complains about going to the polyclinic. By the way, he and his kaki goes to the polyclinic as early as 6.30am to Q up for his regular diabetic checkups in order to get home before lunch. Is this what retirement life suppose to be? Come to think of it my weekly follow up at SGH also takes about half a day but that is because of the numerous blood tests that I have to go thru and the doctor needs to go for her rounds at the wards in the morning.
I'm not trying to sound more sympathetic towards the hospital docs versus the polyclinic's but after being hospitalised in the ward for about 2 months, I'm more aware of their daily life. But there are bad apples too which I did gave them a piece of my mind, sadly despite being weak and sick then.
Nonetheless are doctors nowadays going too much for a quick fix or are they losing their bedside manners? Perhaps you guys can share with me. So stay healthy and active always. Cheers.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Story Continues.....
During the whole ordeal, I'm greatly thankful to many bros, folks and people that had offered their help to me either physically, financially and spiritually. Though many who know me knows that I'm a free thinker but I had taken all these advices in stride and read some of the literatures given to me with greatfulness. One book given to me by Christopher called "Awaken Your Healing Power" was a real inspiration to me during my recovering days at home and I was moved to tears by some of its contents. I will strongly recommend it to everyone.
Many had told me that it wasn't easy to go thru what I had to but the road to recovery is still a long way to go. Some of my meds are to taken for years while follow-up check ups will still be frequent and forgetting that the constant fear of an virus attack to my body is still imminent.It will take time but I also know very well that the worst of it is far from over it. Like everyone, I just have to continue to stay focus, positive, strong and stress free to deal with whatever comes my way.
One thought that still lingers at this moment in time with me and my wife is that should we be considering having another baby. Will he inherit my illness and get deformity due to the meds that I'm taking or etc etc??? Financially its gonna be a stretch to have another kid at this point in time but if we don't do it then it will be too lonely for our 5 year old son. Well we just have to think of a way.
With each day, we looked forward to and hope for the best and manage to our best abilities at this point in time. The clock is ticking ......... And so may the force be with us.
Many had told me that it wasn't easy to go thru what I had to but the road to recovery is still a long way to go. Some of my meds are to taken for years while follow-up check ups will still be frequent and forgetting that the constant fear of an virus attack to my body is still imminent.It will take time but I also know very well that the worst of it is far from over it. Like everyone, I just have to continue to stay focus, positive, strong and stress free to deal with whatever comes my way.
One thought that still lingers at this moment in time with me and my wife is that should we be considering having another baby. Will he inherit my illness and get deformity due to the meds that I'm taking or etc etc??? Financially its gonna be a stretch to have another kid at this point in time but if we don't do it then it will be too lonely for our 5 year old son. Well we just have to think of a way.
With each day, we looked forward to and hope for the best and manage to our best abilities at this point in time. The clock is ticking ......... And so may the force be with us.
Friday, June 3, 2011
It's been too long and too much
It's been a long while since I blogged and many things had happened with some turning for the worst. I have since been diagnose with Sever Aplastic Anemia and gone thru a Bone Marrow Transplant. It was a very harrowing experience for me and my family.
I couldn't accept th efact of my diagnosis initially but as even seeking 2nd opinion also proved the same thus we had no choice but to accept it. I spent almost 2 months in an isolated hospital room and what follows were endless follow up appointments, blood tests, medicines and hospital bills. It was a real torture especially those days when I was warded, it was like I'm in a prison. Sleep deprivation and lost of taste were driving me nuts, not forgetting the lack of contacts with friends and family.. I missed home terribly, the pain from the IVs needles, meds, chemo were all taking their toll on me. Luckily, I started improving and managed to convince my doc for an early discharge.
Frankly, I was thankful to friends like Carren, who brought me Macdonald's, kueh kueh, etc to quest my cravings and especially my mum who came and visit me with lunch everyday. Her soups and home cooked food helped in my recovery too.
After discharge, I was very much handicapped at home as I'm supposed to stay indoors in a viral free environment. My mum continued to bring me homecooked meals during lunch and dinner. It was very tiring for her, I felt really bad about it.
Thanks to Esther and her hubby Roy, my weekly visit to SGH for my follow up was more convenient and I found myself becoming a mama boy once again as my mum would accompany me for such visit. I would have to spend at least half day each time at the hospital.
My wife and I were very concerned about the expenses and previous hospitalisation bills. We were referred to the Medical Social Services but we weren't confident that we will get much support so we bite the bullet and many relatives and friends did offered to help finanicially. We managed to scrape thru with the $40,000 hospital bill and are still struggling with our daily finances and the weekly medical bill of about $250.
Well got to end here now, cause work beckons. The fight continues.
I couldn't accept th efact of my diagnosis initially but as even seeking 2nd opinion also proved the same thus we had no choice but to accept it. I spent almost 2 months in an isolated hospital room and what follows were endless follow up appointments, blood tests, medicines and hospital bills. It was a real torture especially those days when I was warded, it was like I'm in a prison. Sleep deprivation and lost of taste were driving me nuts, not forgetting the lack of contacts with friends and family.. I missed home terribly, the pain from the IVs needles, meds, chemo were all taking their toll on me. Luckily, I started improving and managed to convince my doc for an early discharge.
Frankly, I was thankful to friends like Carren, who brought me Macdonald's, kueh kueh, etc to quest my cravings and especially my mum who came and visit me with lunch everyday. Her soups and home cooked food helped in my recovery too.
After discharge, I was very much handicapped at home as I'm supposed to stay indoors in a viral free environment. My mum continued to bring me homecooked meals during lunch and dinner. It was very tiring for her, I felt really bad about it.
Thanks to Esther and her hubby Roy, my weekly visit to SGH for my follow up was more convenient and I found myself becoming a mama boy once again as my mum would accompany me for such visit. I would have to spend at least half day each time at the hospital.
My wife and I were very concerned about the expenses and previous hospitalisation bills. We were referred to the Medical Social Services but we weren't confident that we will get much support so we bite the bullet and many relatives and friends did offered to help finanicially. We managed to scrape thru with the $40,000 hospital bill and are still struggling with our daily finances and the weekly medical bill of about $250.
Well got to end here now, cause work beckons. The fight continues.
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